Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
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We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.