After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
You Might Also Like
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.