director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
You Might Also Like
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution