Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
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Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
LMAO.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Birds & Planes.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
…żyje?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory