Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
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Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
💁🏻♂️
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
dam girl
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah