You Might Also Like
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.