You Might Also Like
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house