Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
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Become a minion. Get that bread.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?