I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Oh the world we live in…
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
me, too, girl. me, too.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.