Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
You Might Also Like
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
How much for the goth pool noodles?
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms