i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
You Might Also Like
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.