Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
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Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
When ur friends with white people
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.