Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
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If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]