Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
You Might Also Like
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.