How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked