Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
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never compromise your values
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”