“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
it be like that
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.