[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
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Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
For anyone who needs this today
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]