At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
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A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”