[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”