Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
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The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”