Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
You Might Also Like
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.