Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
You Might Also Like
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
are there any atheist mantises?
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD