Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
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Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
plant them where lol
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office