*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
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Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.