Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Siri: Retweet me.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!