My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
You Might Also Like
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.