Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
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Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.