Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box