Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
You Might Also Like
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.