One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
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Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running