broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
In Canada they just call them geese
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Finally a use for spoilers…
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.