Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
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*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure