I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
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35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
this has done me in for some reason
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.