Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
You Might Also Like
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
This bar smells like my childhood.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.