Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
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[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.