I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
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A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Made something I’m not proud of
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”