Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
You Might Also Like
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.