Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
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me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
not seeing the problem
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
When someone says you are so lazy
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Just me and my debit card against the world
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.