All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
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God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
men are simple creatures
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Worth a try
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”