The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
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Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.