[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
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[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia