Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
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For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
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Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it