A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
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I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start