They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
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When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.