If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
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Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”