A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
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Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Sign of the day..
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.