Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
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Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.