I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
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Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.