you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
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Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby